Good morning readers! Well it's morning, which means I have survived another night, which is good enough for me.
It's been a long time since I've blogged. Not because I haven't wanted to or because I decided I couldn't be bothered any more or anything. Oh no, it was much worse than that. We suffered the horror of broken laptop! Let me assure you, this was serious. No youtube or cbeebies for Luca, no blogging for me, and I lost the first few chapters of my book! There were tears and tantrums, and Luca didn't take it too well either. Luckily my cousins husband is a computer whizz, he has retrieved everything from our own laptop, and has lent us one to use so that normal life can resume. Phew!
So first things first, I need to offload. This lack of sleep is killing me. It's not just Roman, restlessly smacking and pinching me all night, shrieking like he's being murdered if I turn away from him and deny him access to his milk source (that it comes from a part of my body with nerve endings is irrelevant to him) and it's not just Luca, awaking at anything from 3-5am and running up and down screaming until the rest of the house admits defeat and rises with him. No, on top of these things, which I have long been used to and have accepted as a part of life, my brain has now decided to turn me against, well, me. Even during the hours where my offspring are dreaming, I'm lying there awake and thinking.
Am I a good enough mother (no, you're not)
Is my house really that much of a mess? (yes, it is)
Do we have enough money to pay all the bills and still treat the kids at Christmas (possibly, but they'll not get everything they might have asked for. Oh, how disappointed they will be)
Is Roman autistic, like Luca is? (yes, he is. No, of course he's not. But what if he is? What then?)
Does my husband love me? (No, he's biding his time and will leave you just as soon as he can)
Do my friends even like me? (No)
Is Isabella really clever, or just an out and out brat? (the latter, probably)
Will Jack be ok at secondary school? Did i make the right choice applying to that one? (no, its a horrible school full of bullies and a rubbish head teacher)
And on and on it goes. Until I finally fall in to an exhausted sleep, only to wake with a start because I heard a noise, which could only be aliens coming to kidnap me for experiments. So then the cycle starts over.
By the time morning comes I'm too tired to even be able to cry properly, so all I can manage is a few dry eyed sob type whimpers, before throwing on mismatching pyjamas and haphazardly going about all the things that need doing before the school run.
Then the guilt sets in. Compared to some people I know, my life is a piece of cake. How dare I lie here, wallowing in self pity when some people have real problems! I look at my daughter sitting on the rug colouring in her sparkly ponies colouring book, I look at my baby, in his highchair, waving at the TV with cheerios stuck to his chin and think about my 2 big boys, off being clever and doing well at school, think about my husband, who knows everything there is to know about me (some of it as un-pretty as it gets) and still he's here with kind words and cuddles, and of course he loves me, why on earth would he still be here if he didn't. So I'm one of the lucky ones! Why don't I feel lucky? Surely raising my children, looking after our home, cooking dinner, it shouldn't feel like such hard work, should it? Who knows. I'm in therapy, hopefully it'll fix my faulty brain wires!
The upshot of this lack of sleep is that I am one moody cow! Things that on a normal day would go over my head, become a huge deal. One woman got the sharp edge of my tongue yesterday (well keyboard but whatever) Twice. And it was mainly because I was too tired and emotional to deal with her crap in the way I normally would, by ignoring it. Oh well. Lee and the kids have a tendency to tip toe around me, which only succeeds in annoying me further, but being noisy annoys me further still, so they can't win!
One day I'll get a decent nights sleep, and the world will be a friendly place again. If we haven't all been stolen by aliens by then, of course.
Lots more has been going on since my last blog, dear readers, I'm trying to think! It was my birthday and I was spoiled rotten by Lee and the family. That was nice. We also went out, just the 2 of us, for the first time in I don't even know how long. I only had a couple of mojitos and a beer but was quite tipsy, and the food was amazing. I'd like to do it once a month (babysitters please apply here)
Roman has a tooth! My nipple knows alllll about that. He is also trying to crawl, eating anything you put in front of him, as well as mashing it in to his hair, and has developed a severe case of separation anxiety, resulting in me taking him everywhere with me to avoid the screaming. His favourite place to be is the bathroom, I think he likes the echo! Luca had the starring role in his class performance at the harvest festival. He sung 5 currant buns, on the microphone, while dressed in a chefs hat and apron. Cute overload, and of course I cried.
we've begun the long, slow task of getting the house back in order after building our extension. It's gonna take a while!! I have a new rug and curtains in the living room which i'm very happy about (yes I know that's quite sad) I've started bootcamp, basically 3 nights a week I stand in a carpark in basildon (yes, in the dark, wind, and rain) killing myself with exercise, along with 10 or so other woman. I will get slim if it kills me. I am now in constant pain from muscles I had forgotten existed.
So on that note, I shall leave you. And I promise you, next time I will have found a better mood, and normal service will resume!
