...AND I CAN SEE IT!!!
Sorry, it's another one of "those" posts.
I'm happy, like properly and completely happy, for the first time in years. No medication, no counselling, no needing to hide myself away in the bathroom while Lee's at work because the house is a mess and the kids are crying and I can't cope with it. The house IS still a mess, and the kids ARE still crying, the difference is, I don't see it as an insurmountable mountain. It's just something that happens when you've got 4 kids and you're not a domestic goddess.
The truth is, I honestly didn't realise just how bad things were until I felt better. I'm almost certain this complete shift is due to the fact that i've totally changed my diet. High protein, low carbs, lots and lots of water, and green tea with lemon, such a treat! I've lost a stone, just another stone and a half to go before I'm at my goal weight. My back doesn't hurt, my knees and feet aren't sore all the time, my stomach, while not what you could call flat, doesn't look 6 months pregnant any more. My hands and feet don't swell up at the end of the day. My blood pressure is lower, my kidney function has improved and I just feel normal. I couldn't remember what normal felt like!
I feel free to enjoy all the things that I should have been enjoying but couldn't. Like Roman taking his first steps, which had me squealing and crying like a baby in equal measure, while at the same time making a mental note to put up ANYTHING that I don't want broken. Mind you, he's still the size of an average 4 month old, so there's not much he can reach, really.
I can enjoy Bella informing me that when she grows up, she's going to be a "petshopper" and she'll have dogs and cats and snakes and hamsters in her petshop, and she'll take all the animals to their new houses because she'll be "the petshopper with the car!" (I especially enjoyed that!)
I can watch Luca just being Luca, without feeling the need to explain to random strangers why he's behaving that way. He's behaving that way because that's who he is and that's what he does, end of story.
I can have a laugh with Jack, and talk to him about things he enjoys, and take a genuine interest rather than going through the motions (trust me, kids know the difference!) and I can be excited about him starting secondary school, rather than just scared.
I can let go of the outrage I've been feeling toward certain people, who decided I was attention seeking or being a mentalist or a bad friend or moaning about nothing or whatever it is they thought of me. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss, and if they are the type of people to think "she's gone fucking weird, I can't be bothered with it, I'll just delete her and laugh about her with my mates" then I don't want them in my life anyway. If you don't have the compassion and...errrrmmm....I dunno, niceness? Is that a word? Anyway, if you don't have the notion to pick up the phone or knock on the door or send a message, or even maybe speak to someone else close to that person to say yo! Dude! You seem a bit off. I've seen/heard things that are out of character. You don't seem to be the same person I knew x years/months ago. What's up? and offer your support to them, then you're not my kind of person. I can count on one hand the people that have really, truly and genuinely been there and I will love them forever for that.
I'm even starting to turn my thoughts to baking again. Don't get me wrong, i'll still suck at it, and it'll still be a major success if whatever I make is even edible, but I'm sure I'll have loads of fun trying! It's Bella's birthday coming up, and I'll be attempting a cake for her. probably with aunt bessie's help, and maybe dr oetger, but whatever, the thought's there! I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen lately, due to the fact that this new diet requires fresh, home cooked meals so's you know exactly what you're putting in to your body, and I have to say that I've been doing a lot better with it than the baking! I don't really miss anything (other than chocolate) and I enjoy experimenting with different meats, spices etc to make nice tasting meals.
I'm also working on my book, which is loads of fun. I don't even care if it's rubbish and nobody ever reads it other than me, although a Stephenie Meyer kind of success wouldn't be entirely unwelcome if I'm honest! I'm only a chapter in but looking forward to seeing where the story goes.
Just a little thought to finish up on, that son of mine, who's a little bit different? Well, he's developed a new skill. Strip trampolining. It'll be all the rage one of these days, you mark my words.
Thursday 18 April 2013
Tuesday 19 March 2013
big boy bedrooms, burning schools, feeling better
Oh, happy day!
Today is Tuesday. Roman has been sleeping in his bedroom since Saturday night. No cot in my bedroom (that never got used) no being squashed with a snoring sweaty man on one side and a snoring sweaty boy on the other. My boobs are my own and I can lie on my stomach with out being slapped and whined at until I roll over to allow access (and Roman is cutting out the night feeds too!) My bedroom looks massive without the cot in it, and I must say, I'm loving being able to go up to bed to read with the lamp on, should I so desire. I'm loving the hours of solid undisturbed sleep.
I'm not loving the fact that it's the end of an era, and my days as the mother of a tiny baby have come to an end. I'll never again watch in wonder as my stomach grows, never look forward to seeing my baby for the first time at a scan. I'll never get to argue over names, plan a nursery, pick a pram, pack a hospital bag, place bets on whether my bump is blue or pink, what day the baby will arrive, what he or she will weigh. I'll never get to hold my precious newborn in my arms, smell their newborn smell, welcome them to the world and tell them how much I love them and how precious they are to me.
I know there are people who will think that's mad, I've got 4 beautiful babies and pregnancy nigh on kills me every time. I'd be lying if I said I'm not relieved that i'll never have to go through the high blood pressure, failing kidneys, dodgy liver, itching, diabetes and who knows what else would probably get thrown at me next time, so from that point of view, yes, having no more babies is most definitely the right thing. Not to mention i'd probably lose my marbles if we added another small person to our brood! I guess I'll just make the most of friends new babies for now, until such time as I'm presented with a grandchild. Not for at least 20 years though hopefully!
The best part about actually getting some sleep is that it's done wonders for my mood. I've not had a panic attack, I'm not as tearful, I have energy to actually get up and do things which automatically puts me in a better mood. That's the problem with depression, it's a cycle. You feel horrible, have no energy and don't want to do anything. Not doing anything makes you feel horrible, have no energy and not want to do anything, so you become even more depressed. See where I'm going with this? No amount of being told to snap out of it, or (as i've experienced) public humiliation, "friends" outing you on facebook for moaning too much and making you feel a million times worse, or husbands getting frustrated because they don't understand what it is you're trying to tell them, or whoever it is that's involved with your life but can't figure out what the hell is wrong, none of it is enough to make you just get up and do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing in order for people to think you're "normal" if there is such a thing. So for me, getting a bit more sleep, and having enough energy to sweep the floors, cook a proper dinner and tackle the washing pile is enough to lift my spirits and enable me to start helping myself to get better. How refreshing. I think I'm pretty good at hiding my depression from people who I don't want to worry with it. That's probably not always a good thing, I tend to hide it from the people who could actually help me, but I feel embarrassed and like they'll think I'm a failure. Poor Husband bares the brunt of it instead. So here's hoping that this new found good mood continues! This is also the perfect time to get cracking with the diet (again) so slimming world is gaining a new member (again) I hope to be considerably slimmer by the summer.
The biggest excitement of the week, would have to be Lucas school burning down! The hall and drama studio are completely gone. We had a good sniff of Luca when he arrived home, and the good news is he didn't smell of smoke, so I'm fairly confident he had nothing to do with it. I asked him if he saw the fire, he said yes. But then I asked him if he put out the fire himself and he said yes, so he's not really an entirely reliable witness. I have it on good authority that he was nowhere near the fire or the hoses, his account will not hold up in court. He's been off since Friday, and let me tell you for a child with autism, this sudden and unexpected change in routine never goes down well! He hasn't been too bad, if you don't count eating us out of house and home, being extremely stimmy, having major laughing fits and major tantrums. The school called today, children can go back tomorrow if the parents want, but they have no heating, no hot water, and no kitchen for school dinners.
Therefore, I've sorted a thermal vest, a packed lunch and a flask. Bad mummy, moi? Noooo.....
The newest bedroom in the house
Today is Tuesday. Roman has been sleeping in his bedroom since Saturday night. No cot in my bedroom (that never got used) no being squashed with a snoring sweaty man on one side and a snoring sweaty boy on the other. My boobs are my own and I can lie on my stomach with out being slapped and whined at until I roll over to allow access (and Roman is cutting out the night feeds too!) My bedroom looks massive without the cot in it, and I must say, I'm loving being able to go up to bed to read with the lamp on, should I so desire. I'm loving the hours of solid undisturbed sleep.
I'm not loving the fact that it's the end of an era, and my days as the mother of a tiny baby have come to an end. I'll never again watch in wonder as my stomach grows, never look forward to seeing my baby for the first time at a scan. I'll never get to argue over names, plan a nursery, pick a pram, pack a hospital bag, place bets on whether my bump is blue or pink, what day the baby will arrive, what he or she will weigh. I'll never get to hold my precious newborn in my arms, smell their newborn smell, welcome them to the world and tell them how much I love them and how precious they are to me.
I know there are people who will think that's mad, I've got 4 beautiful babies and pregnancy nigh on kills me every time. I'd be lying if I said I'm not relieved that i'll never have to go through the high blood pressure, failing kidneys, dodgy liver, itching, diabetes and who knows what else would probably get thrown at me next time, so from that point of view, yes, having no more babies is most definitely the right thing. Not to mention i'd probably lose my marbles if we added another small person to our brood! I guess I'll just make the most of friends new babies for now, until such time as I'm presented with a grandchild. Not for at least 20 years though hopefully!
The best part about actually getting some sleep is that it's done wonders for my mood. I've not had a panic attack, I'm not as tearful, I have energy to actually get up and do things which automatically puts me in a better mood. That's the problem with depression, it's a cycle. You feel horrible, have no energy and don't want to do anything. Not doing anything makes you feel horrible, have no energy and not want to do anything, so you become even more depressed. See where I'm going with this? No amount of being told to snap out of it, or (as i've experienced) public humiliation, "friends" outing you on facebook for moaning too much and making you feel a million times worse, or husbands getting frustrated because they don't understand what it is you're trying to tell them, or whoever it is that's involved with your life but can't figure out what the hell is wrong, none of it is enough to make you just get up and do whatever it is you're supposed to be doing in order for people to think you're "normal" if there is such a thing. So for me, getting a bit more sleep, and having enough energy to sweep the floors, cook a proper dinner and tackle the washing pile is enough to lift my spirits and enable me to start helping myself to get better. How refreshing. I think I'm pretty good at hiding my depression from people who I don't want to worry with it. That's probably not always a good thing, I tend to hide it from the people who could actually help me, but I feel embarrassed and like they'll think I'm a failure. Poor Husband bares the brunt of it instead. So here's hoping that this new found good mood continues! This is also the perfect time to get cracking with the diet (again) so slimming world is gaining a new member (again) I hope to be considerably slimmer by the summer.
The biggest excitement of the week, would have to be Lucas school burning down! The hall and drama studio are completely gone. We had a good sniff of Luca when he arrived home, and the good news is he didn't smell of smoke, so I'm fairly confident he had nothing to do with it. I asked him if he saw the fire, he said yes. But then I asked him if he put out the fire himself and he said yes, so he's not really an entirely reliable witness. I have it on good authority that he was nowhere near the fire or the hoses, his account will not hold up in court. He's been off since Friday, and let me tell you for a child with autism, this sudden and unexpected change in routine never goes down well! He hasn't been too bad, if you don't count eating us out of house and home, being extremely stimmy, having major laughing fits and major tantrums. The school called today, children can go back tomorrow if the parents want, but they have no heating, no hot water, and no kitchen for school dinners.
Therefore, I've sorted a thermal vest, a packed lunch and a flask. Bad mummy, moi? Noooo.....
Thursday 7 March 2013
It's been a long time...
...Since my last blog. My laptop died. My soul died, a little bit, and life in general has got in the way.
Would you believe me if I said I was very, very sorry? No? O.K, moving swiftly on...
Where to begin!! Roman turned one, a bittersweet day. I had to celebrate the fact that my last ever baby has been here for a whole year, while at the same time still trying to come to terms with the whole horrific saga that was my pregnancy, the birth, and the awful few months that came after, where I couldn't enjoy my baby because I was in too much pain, and he cried all the time. Nevertheless the day went very nicely, he loved opening his presents (or watching them be opened by his "helpful" brothers and sister) he loved the attention, he....slept through the blowing out of candles and cutting of cake. Luca stood in for him and did a fantastic job. I was truly overwhelmed by how many people wished him a Happy Birthday, sent him cards and presents, or even quick texts to say they hoped he was having a lovely day. It's nice to know he's loved. Most people turned up to his little party and all (I hope!) had a really lovely time. I didn't actually make his cake, I've lost all confidence in that department, but I did decorate it for him and was more or less happy with the results! He seemed to like cramming it in to his greedy little chops so it obviously hit the spot!
On top of Birthday celebrations, there has been some major dramas, sadly all centered around me and my ridiculously fragile state of mind. One person, who shall remain nameless, very helpfully dubbed me "the undiagnosed clinically insane" on his facebook status. Totally untrue of course, I have been diagnosed, and not with clinical insanity! It's depression, post natal depression, and post traumatic stress disorder, and for whatever reason it's hit me like a ton of bricks just recently. So bad that simple things, like talking and smiling and driving further than the school run have been beyond me at times. Hell, even the school run has left me in a state of tearful panic! And much to the annoyance of those who like to talk, no, I don't have reason to feel that way and no, I can't explain why. It's just the way it is, and nobody wishes more than I do that I wasn't this way, it's crippling and miserable and embarrassing and sometimes it feels like it will never end. The final straw was half term, where being home alone with the kids was truly torture and I felt like I was failing. Failing as a wife, failing as a mother, failing as a human being in general, really. Lee tries his best, but he has to work or he won't get paid, and I doubt his boss would be massively sympathetic, to be honest. So he's borne the brunt of an awful lot of tears and tantrums. And he's still here, so he must love me. I'm very lucky to have some truly amazing friends, who listen when I talk, accept me for the nutjob I am, and encourage me to laugh at myself when I'm being particularly crazy. It helps that most of them are just as crazy, in their own special ways. There must be something in the water around here. I've also learned recently, that no matter how nice you try to be to some people, however much you listen to them whine and complain, and offer your sympathy and your help, they are simply not interested in being friends. Even when you've tried to explain why you've been the way you've been and apologised for causing any kind of offense. And that's fine. I'm done trying.
Phew! I could go on for hours about how rubbish I am these days, but I won't bore you. Lets just say I won't be expecting mothers day cards this year!
In other ways, life is simply fantastic. Roman is crawling and cruising and learning that being on the floor playing is often more fun than being sat on mummys lap. Just as long as she's not doing anything silly, like leaving the room! He's learning every day, he says words and plays with his toys and dances, and all those other amazing things that babies on the verge of being toddlers do. And I try very hard to watch and appreciate. He is my last, after all.
Jack has been accepted in to his senior school of choice for September (sob) I cannot believe he'll be 11 soon, although he is already a teenager, he grunts instead of speaking, barely leaves his room, wouldn't wash EVER if I didn't force him, and I'm pretty sure he's forgotten what sunlight actually looks like! Poor boy is in for a shock when he starts senior school, and his homework encroaches on his minecraft time!
Luca is doing well, we've had a few blips with his behaviour and sleeping and the never ending saga that is the councils idea of school transport, but he seems to be settling back in to a bit of a routine now, thank the lord.
Isabella is her usual crazy self. She's taken up horse riding, many thanks to my lovely friend who has let her have access to a pony, cos we'd never afford lessons! She's loving it, you'd never think a child could be so excited about picking up poo, but Bella seems to think its the most fun ever! And I'm hoping it'll teach her some self discipline, as she's due to start infant school in September (again, sob!!) and is still prone to the odd arm folding, foot stamping tantrum!
On the cooking and book writing front, it's all come to a stop! The book because my laptop died. My daddy has very kindly donated one to us, which i've fixed up and its lovely, so writing will resume with gusto. It's like therapy for me. Only cheaper. The baking has really taken a backseat as i've been so busy concentrating on not falling apart in every other aspect of my life, but I am still very interested and hope to dust off my pinny as soon as possible.
For now, I'll love you and leave you, mainly because a small monster has just crawled past me on his way to the toybox, and a very unpleasant odour seems to be following him!!
Would you believe me if I said I was very, very sorry? No? O.K, moving swiftly on...
Where to begin!! Roman turned one, a bittersweet day. I had to celebrate the fact that my last ever baby has been here for a whole year, while at the same time still trying to come to terms with the whole horrific saga that was my pregnancy, the birth, and the awful few months that came after, where I couldn't enjoy my baby because I was in too much pain, and he cried all the time. Nevertheless the day went very nicely, he loved opening his presents (or watching them be opened by his "helpful" brothers and sister) he loved the attention, he....slept through the blowing out of candles and cutting of cake. Luca stood in for him and did a fantastic job. I was truly overwhelmed by how many people wished him a Happy Birthday, sent him cards and presents, or even quick texts to say they hoped he was having a lovely day. It's nice to know he's loved. Most people turned up to his little party and all (I hope!) had a really lovely time. I didn't actually make his cake, I've lost all confidence in that department, but I did decorate it for him and was more or less happy with the results! He seemed to like cramming it in to his greedy little chops so it obviously hit the spot!
On top of Birthday celebrations, there has been some major dramas, sadly all centered around me and my ridiculously fragile state of mind. One person, who shall remain nameless, very helpfully dubbed me "the undiagnosed clinically insane" on his facebook status. Totally untrue of course, I have been diagnosed, and not with clinical insanity! It's depression, post natal depression, and post traumatic stress disorder, and for whatever reason it's hit me like a ton of bricks just recently. So bad that simple things, like talking and smiling and driving further than the school run have been beyond me at times. Hell, even the school run has left me in a state of tearful panic! And much to the annoyance of those who like to talk, no, I don't have reason to feel that way and no, I can't explain why. It's just the way it is, and nobody wishes more than I do that I wasn't this way, it's crippling and miserable and embarrassing and sometimes it feels like it will never end. The final straw was half term, where being home alone with the kids was truly torture and I felt like I was failing. Failing as a wife, failing as a mother, failing as a human being in general, really. Lee tries his best, but he has to work or he won't get paid, and I doubt his boss would be massively sympathetic, to be honest. So he's borne the brunt of an awful lot of tears and tantrums. And he's still here, so he must love me. I'm very lucky to have some truly amazing friends, who listen when I talk, accept me for the nutjob I am, and encourage me to laugh at myself when I'm being particularly crazy. It helps that most of them are just as crazy, in their own special ways. There must be something in the water around here. I've also learned recently, that no matter how nice you try to be to some people, however much you listen to them whine and complain, and offer your sympathy and your help, they are simply not interested in being friends. Even when you've tried to explain why you've been the way you've been and apologised for causing any kind of offense. And that's fine. I'm done trying.
Phew! I could go on for hours about how rubbish I am these days, but I won't bore you. Lets just say I won't be expecting mothers day cards this year!
In other ways, life is simply fantastic. Roman is crawling and cruising and learning that being on the floor playing is often more fun than being sat on mummys lap. Just as long as she's not doing anything silly, like leaving the room! He's learning every day, he says words and plays with his toys and dances, and all those other amazing things that babies on the verge of being toddlers do. And I try very hard to watch and appreciate. He is my last, after all.
Jack has been accepted in to his senior school of choice for September (sob) I cannot believe he'll be 11 soon, although he is already a teenager, he grunts instead of speaking, barely leaves his room, wouldn't wash EVER if I didn't force him, and I'm pretty sure he's forgotten what sunlight actually looks like! Poor boy is in for a shock when he starts senior school, and his homework encroaches on his minecraft time!
Luca is doing well, we've had a few blips with his behaviour and sleeping and the never ending saga that is the councils idea of school transport, but he seems to be settling back in to a bit of a routine now, thank the lord.
Isabella is her usual crazy self. She's taken up horse riding, many thanks to my lovely friend who has let her have access to a pony, cos we'd never afford lessons! She's loving it, you'd never think a child could be so excited about picking up poo, but Bella seems to think its the most fun ever! And I'm hoping it'll teach her some self discipline, as she's due to start infant school in September (again, sob!!) and is still prone to the odd arm folding, foot stamping tantrum!
On the cooking and book writing front, it's all come to a stop! The book because my laptop died. My daddy has very kindly donated one to us, which i've fixed up and its lovely, so writing will resume with gusto. It's like therapy for me. Only cheaper. The baking has really taken a backseat as i've been so busy concentrating on not falling apart in every other aspect of my life, but I am still very interested and hope to dust off my pinny as soon as possible.
For now, I'll love you and leave you, mainly because a small monster has just crawled past me on his way to the toybox, and a very unpleasant odour seems to be following him!!
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