...AND I CAN SEE IT!!!
Sorry, it's another one of "those" posts.
I'm happy, like properly and completely happy, for the first time in years. No medication, no counselling, no needing to hide myself away in the bathroom while Lee's at work because the house is a mess and the kids are crying and I can't cope with it. The house IS still a mess, and the kids ARE still crying, the difference is, I don't see it as an insurmountable mountain. It's just something that happens when you've got 4 kids and you're not a domestic goddess.
The truth is, I honestly didn't realise just how bad things were until I felt better. I'm almost certain this complete shift is due to the fact that i've totally changed my diet. High protein, low carbs, lots and lots of water, and green tea with lemon, such a treat! I've lost a stone, just another stone and a half to go before I'm at my goal weight. My back doesn't hurt, my knees and feet aren't sore all the time, my stomach, while not what you could call flat, doesn't look 6 months pregnant any more. My hands and feet don't swell up at the end of the day. My blood pressure is lower, my kidney function has improved and I just feel normal. I couldn't remember what normal felt like!
I feel free to enjoy all the things that I should have been enjoying but couldn't. Like Roman taking his first steps, which had me squealing and crying like a baby in equal measure, while at the same time making a mental note to put up ANYTHING that I don't want broken. Mind you, he's still the size of an average 4 month old, so there's not much he can reach, really.
I can enjoy Bella informing me that when she grows up, she's going to be a "petshopper" and she'll have dogs and cats and snakes and hamsters in her petshop, and she'll take all the animals to their new houses because she'll be "the petshopper with the car!" (I especially enjoyed that!)
I can watch Luca just being Luca, without feeling the need to explain to random strangers why he's behaving that way. He's behaving that way because that's who he is and that's what he does, end of story.
I can have a laugh with Jack, and talk to him about things he enjoys, and take a genuine interest rather than going through the motions (trust me, kids know the difference!) and I can be excited about him starting secondary school, rather than just scared.
I can let go of the outrage I've been feeling toward certain people, who decided I was attention seeking or being a mentalist or a bad friend or moaning about nothing or whatever it is they thought of me. As the saying goes, ignorance is bliss, and if they are the type of people to think "she's gone fucking weird, I can't be bothered with it, I'll just delete her and laugh about her with my mates" then I don't want them in my life anyway. If you don't have the compassion and...errrrmmm....I dunno, niceness? Is that a word? Anyway, if you don't have the notion to pick up the phone or knock on the door or send a message, or even maybe speak to someone else close to that person to say yo! Dude! You seem a bit off. I've seen/heard things that are out of character. You don't seem to be the same person I knew x years/months ago. What's up? and offer your support to them, then you're not my kind of person. I can count on one hand the people that have really, truly and genuinely been there and I will love them forever for that.
I'm even starting to turn my thoughts to baking again. Don't get me wrong, i'll still suck at it, and it'll still be a major success if whatever I make is even edible, but I'm sure I'll have loads of fun trying! It's Bella's birthday coming up, and I'll be attempting a cake for her. probably with aunt bessie's help, and maybe dr oetger, but whatever, the thought's there! I've been spending a lot of time in the kitchen lately, due to the fact that this new diet requires fresh, home cooked meals so's you know exactly what you're putting in to your body, and I have to say that I've been doing a lot better with it than the baking! I don't really miss anything (other than chocolate) and I enjoy experimenting with different meats, spices etc to make nice tasting meals.
I'm also working on my book, which is loads of fun. I don't even care if it's rubbish and nobody ever reads it other than me, although a Stephenie Meyer kind of success wouldn't be entirely unwelcome if I'm honest! I'm only a chapter in but looking forward to seeing where the story goes.
Just a little thought to finish up on, that son of mine, who's a little bit different? Well, he's developed a new skill. Strip trampolining. It'll be all the rage one of these days, you mark my words.
