It's been a long time...

...Since my last blog. My laptop died. My soul died, a little bit, and life in general has got in the way.

Would you believe me if I said I was very, very sorry? No? O.K, moving swiftly on...

Where to begin!! Roman turned one, a bittersweet day. I had to celebrate the fact that my last ever baby has been here for a whole year, while at the same time still trying to come to terms with the whole horrific saga that was my pregnancy, the birth, and the awful few months that came after, where I couldn't enjoy my baby  because I was in too much pain, and he cried all the time. Nevertheless the day went very nicely, he loved opening his presents (or watching them be opened by his "helpful" brothers and sister) he loved the attention, he....slept through the blowing out of candles and cutting of cake. Luca stood in for him and did a fantastic job. I was truly overwhelmed by how many people wished him a Happy Birthday, sent him cards and presents, or even quick texts to say they hoped he was having a lovely day. It's nice to know he's loved. Most people turned up to his little party and all (I hope!) had a really lovely time.  I didn't actually make his cake, I've lost all confidence in that department, but I did decorate it for him and was more or less happy with the results! He seemed to like cramming it in to his greedy little chops so it obviously hit the spot!

On top of Birthday celebrations, there has been some major dramas, sadly all centered around me and my ridiculously fragile state of mind. One person, who shall remain nameless, very helpfully dubbed me "the undiagnosed clinically insane" on his facebook status. Totally untrue of course, I have been diagnosed, and not with clinical insanity! It's depression, post natal depression, and post traumatic stress disorder, and for whatever reason it's hit me like a ton of bricks just recently. So bad that simple things, like talking and smiling and driving further than the  school run have been beyond me at times. Hell, even the school run has left me in a state of tearful panic! And much to the annoyance of those who like to talk, no, I don't have reason to feel that way and no, I can't explain why. It's just the way it is, and nobody wishes more than I do that I wasn't this way, it's crippling and miserable and embarrassing and sometimes it feels like it will never end. The final straw was half term, where being home alone with the kids was truly torture and I felt like I was failing. Failing as a wife, failing as a mother, failing as a human being in general, really. Lee tries his best, but he has to work or he won't get paid, and I doubt his boss would be massively sympathetic, to be honest. So he's borne the brunt of an awful lot of tears and tantrums. And he's still here, so he must love me. I'm very lucky to have some truly amazing friends, who listen when I talk, accept me for the nutjob I am, and encourage me to laugh at myself when I'm being particularly crazy. It helps that most of them are just as crazy, in their own special ways. There must be something in the water around here. I've also learned recently, that no matter how nice you try to be to some people, however much you listen to them whine and complain, and offer your sympathy and your help, they are simply not interested in being friends. Even when you've tried to explain why you've been the way you've been and apologised for causing any kind of offense. And that's fine. I'm done trying.

Phew! I could go on for hours about how rubbish I am these days, but I won't bore you. Lets just say I won't be expecting mothers day cards this year!

In other ways, life is simply fantastic. Roman is crawling and cruising and learning that being on the floor playing is often more fun than being sat on mummys lap. Just as long as she's not doing anything silly, like leaving the room! He's learning every day, he says words and plays with his toys and dances, and all those other amazing things that babies on the verge of being toddlers do. And I try very hard to watch and appreciate. He is my last, after all.
Jack has been accepted in to his senior school of choice for September (sob) I cannot believe he'll be 11 soon, although he is already a teenager, he grunts instead of speaking, barely leaves his room, wouldn't wash EVER if I didn't force him, and I'm pretty sure he's forgotten what sunlight actually looks like! Poor boy is in for a shock when he starts senior school, and his homework encroaches on his minecraft time!
Luca is doing well, we've had a few blips with his behaviour and sleeping and the never ending saga that is the councils idea of school transport, but he seems to be settling back in to a bit of a routine now, thank the lord.
Isabella is her usual crazy self. She's taken up horse riding, many thanks to my lovely friend who has let her have access to a pony, cos we'd never afford lessons! She's loving it, you'd never think a child could be so excited about picking up poo, but Bella seems to think its the most fun ever! And I'm hoping it'll teach her some self discipline, as she's due to start infant school in September (again, sob!!) and is still prone to the odd arm folding, foot stamping tantrum!
On the cooking and book writing front, it's all come to a stop! The book because my laptop died. My daddy has very kindly donated one to us, which i've fixed up and its lovely, so writing will resume with gusto. It's like therapy for me. Only cheaper. The baking has really taken a backseat as i've been so busy concentrating on not falling apart in every other aspect of my life, but I am still very interested and hope to dust off my pinny as soon as possible.
For now, I'll love you and leave you, mainly because a small monster has just crawled past me on his way to the toybox, and a very unpleasant odour seems to be following him!!