Another year older...

There's a birthday coming in our house!

Luca is turning 10. His birthday is a funny old day. He gets excited, I think. It's hard to tell, but he does start asking if it's his birthday soon several times a day in the days leading up to it, then on the day he starts off well, but the over stimulation soon gets to him and he becomes very upset and grumpy.

It's a hard day for me, too. Physically he's another year older. In his mind, well, nothing really changes. And this time 10 years ago I was eagerly awaiting the birth of my baby, another little boy who would be best friends with his big brother, play football with him, fight over toys and computer games and be friends for life. Now, instead of worrying about them getting drunk together or sneaking out to meet girls, I find myself wondering whether his big brother will be his carer once me and his dad are no longer able. This is something I just need to learn to accept and stop stressing about, I think. I can't change it, I just have to wait and see.

Presents, too, presents are an issue! I don't even know what your average 10 year old would be in to these days. Luca wouldn't know, either! He asks for the same things every year. Peppa pig DVD, and Mario kart on the ds. They're learned responses, but we still get those items for him, because it's all he has asked for. Then we buy him things we think he will like, that he can't eat or pull apart, preferably. This year, among other things, he'll be unwrapping sellotape and glue sticks, because sticking and gluing is his favourite thing! Don't get me wrong I'm happy to buy him anything that will make him smile, it just makes me sad when I'm looking at toys aimed at babies instead of bikes or skateboards or the latest computer game.

He'll have a little party, of course. But he doesn't have any friends to invite. But that's ok, he has lots of family to celebrate with. And true to tradition, he has a Mr Men cake. Shop bought, this time!

I really should be thanking my lucky stars. He's here, he's healthy, and he gets to celebrate his birthday. Many children don't, and I wouldn't change my Lu, not for all the tea in China. Maybe wallowing and feeling sorry for myself is selfish and silly of me. Coming to terms with Lucas disability is something that will take a lifetime. I don't know if that's wrong or right, I just know that for me, personally, I cannot embrace a condition that stole my child away from me. I can only regret that he wasn't helped sooner, and that his long term prognosis is not what it could have been, had he been picked up at 2, rather than 5. I love Luca, I love the sound of his laughter, I love the way he sleeps, I love his cuddles, I love all the little snippets we see of his personality, his sense of humour, his creative flair. And I do love celebrating his birthday, no matter how hard it is.

I just wish things could be different.